So, this is the thing........

I have read many, many books on writing. I have read countless websites on writing. I have gone to writing groups and writing classes, both collegiate and iconoclastic.  While I doubt not the volume of knowledge and understanding I have yet to learn, I can feel my feet under firm earth.  I know how to walk and talk.  My wings are strong.  I can leave the nest.

Yet, I stand on the edge and flap.  One piece of repeated advice I cannot seem to master:  writers group.  I cannot seemingly keep up a relationship with a writer.  And because I cannot stand outside myself and judge my performance, I have no idea why.

One writer, whom I invested time in listening to his process and perception, yelled at me for unbidden support. How dare I cheer his progress?

I've had relationships with writers.  One was close.  I cherished it, until one day the "constructive" criticism came in the form of an unfounded insight.  Now, I will say, the insight struck me from out of the blue like lightening.  It hurt. A lot.  I took a year off from writing to attempt to correct my fallacy, which wasn't a waste because, in the long run, it made me a better writing.

However, what's that old sitcom adage?  If everyone has a problem with you, then the problem is you.

I know it's me.  It has to be me.  If I could only see the plank in my eye to pull it out.

Dear Odin Above, I love Felicia. Her advice is solid.

Dear Steven:

Tonight, I reached a milestone in my novel.  I killed one of the favorite characters.  She was one my favorites.  I thought I would be happy to reach this milestone - it means I'm almost done.  I can see the end.  I can type "the end" as they do in all those big movies and feel good knowing I've accomplished a great thing.

But that isn't how I feel.  I am very sad.  I want to cry.  My heart is broken.  Why didn't anyone tell me about this?  And why can't big climatic situations in stories be that your favorite character gets a puppy?

Sincerely,
Me

Happy Friday!

It’s the weekend and the first day of summer!  Why no celebrate by pledging to support a local writer in the Clarion 2013 Write-a-Thon!

http://clarionwriteathon.org/members/profile.php?writerid=348301

 You can read more about the Write-a-Thon at http://clarionwriteathon.org/.

I promise weekly video updates and daily writing samples – along with the promise to complete my first novel.  For everyone who donates or pledges for me, I will send you a chapter from my novel as a thank  you.

Enjoy your weekend and thank you for your time!

Only 5 Days Away

The butterflies in my stomach tell me I don’t have much time before the Clarion Write-a-Thon starts.  My goals for this year:  to write 600 words a day for 42 days (for a total of 25,200 words) to finish my first novel.  Please sponsor my first novel and other,future excellent writers by pledging anything you can spare at http://clarionwriteathon.org/members/profile.php?writerid=348301.  You can read more about the Write-a-Thon at http://clarionwriteathon.org/.

Plus, if you’re wondering if you should sign-up for the Write-a-Thon, I promise to be your own personal cheerleader if you do.  And have you seen my pom-poms?

2013 Clarion Write-a-Thon

It’s that time of year again.  What is a write-a-thon, anyway? It's just like a walk-a-thon. But instead of walking, we're writing, and instead of making pledges per mile, we're making pledges per word, chapter, or story. Writers get support, encouragement and motivation, and the option of joining or creating a team of other writers. Those who care about the writers in their life get a way to show their support. And money is raised for a literally fantastic cause -- the Clarion Science Fiction & Fantasy Writers' Workshop. For further details, go to http://clarionwriteathon.org

2013 Goal:  600 words a day

Writing Goals:  Since I started my novel shortly before the 2012 Clarion Write-a-thon, I thought I would have my first novel finished by the time it came around the follow year.  Needless to say, I have not.  Instead of wallowing in self-pity (as is my wont), I calculated the word count needed to complete my novel for the 2013 Clarion Write-a-thon.  This year, I have to write 600 words a day to finish my first novel.  I have a new (first) office and a new desk.  It's time to put some mileage on both and finish this book!

Fundraising Goal:  Any money I can raise for the Clarion Workshop, a wonderful cause, will bring me and some other writer whom it helps joy.

Where you can pledge:  http://clarionwriteathon.org/members/profile.php?writerid=348301

Do you have something you want to write?  Why not earn money for the Clarion Science Fiction and Fantasy Writer’s Workshop and receive support while you do it?  Sign up for the Clarion Write-a-Thon at http://clarionwriteathon.org.

The Write-a-Thon starts June 23, 2013.  Check back for updates!

Thank you.

I didn't expect to make it early.

As of 6:55pm tonight, I have met my Clarion Write-a-Thon goal of 11,000 words in six weeks – or in my case, four weeks.  I owe a big thank you to all my sponsors and pledges.  Your support fueled my drive to write every night and exceed my goals regularly.  Knowing you believed in me and back my desire to support the Clarion Writers' Workshop proved to be a very powerful motivator.

Anyone interested in sponsoring me can do so at my Clarion Write-a-Thon website:  http://clarionwriteathon.org/members/profile.php?writerid=128931.  For anyone interested, you can read the excerpts from the writing I did during the Write-a-Thon by clicking the SHOW/HIDE EXCERPTS button at the bottom of my profile page.  Please keep in mind this was rough draft writing; I haven't edited it.  Forgive all spelling and grammatical errors as well as awkward phrasing.  I will clean it up in the next draft.

If you do not want to sponsor me, please do consider sponsoring the Clarion Write-a-Thon project by donating at the website:  http://clarionwriteathon.org. 

Again, thank you for your time and support.  

I wrote today

Dear Mr. Pressfield:

I have to admit, there was a moment of pride when I clicked on the "I Wrote Today" button on the Clarion Write-a-Thon button on my profile page.  I worry that external validation of writing will ruin this almost zen-like routine I have for writing.  I cannot tell you how long it has taken to shut off my inner editor (who could be heard screaming in the back of my head today) so I can write.  For the life of me, I cannot tell you how I did it either.

Anyway, I am pinning my newly won zen writing routine against the pressures of fund-raising for a cause I believe in.  No pressure.

I'll keep you posted.

Sincerely,
Me

Clarion Write-a-Thon

One day left!  One day until I start the Clarion Write-a-Thon!  You still have time to sponsor me at my profile page:  http://clarionwriteathon.org/members/profile.php?writerid=128931.  To find out more about the Clarion Write-a-Thon, please visit the Clarion Write-a-Thon website at http://clarionwriteathon.org.  You will find links there to the Clarion Writer's Workshop and the talented alumni the workshop has produced.

One more day!  I am so excited and nervous!

Dear Mr. Pressfield:

Look at what I am doing for you:



You're welcome.

Sincerely,
Me

I give up

Dear Mr. Pressfield:

You and other writers who have written writing advice imply a fledgling writer should create a special time to write every day.  It is important to set aside time every day to write.  And while I cannot argue with this logic, I also would like to point out that despite my best efforts, I am unable to appoint time regularly to writing.

Today is the perfect example.  While I had planned to spend most of Saturday afternoon writing, the AC units for my work's server room had a different idea.  During the cold snap, they froze and sent our over-heating servers into safety shutdown.  I spent eight hours at work on Saturday.  Sunday morning, I spent time ironing out any remaining issues left over from the network shut down.

Today, I rose and drank the appropriate amount of caffeine.  I completed the necessary housework.  I found myself in the right frame of mind and started writing.  And the AC unit froze up again.  I spent the afternoon on the phone in my front yard (where the best reception is) organizing a portable AC unit installation, arranging a technician to verify the servers state, and reporting to my superiors.  By the time I returned to my laptop, I was flustered that the time I had cultivated was gone.

I worked anyway - in between, talking to my husband and son, additional texts and emails from work, and laundry.  I have discovered that is the only way to finish this novel - and I want to finish this novel.  While I may always seek the high holy ground of blocks of uninterrupted, perfect writing time, I will write in the trenches around every interruption to finish this damn thing.

I wish someone mentioned that may be an option.  I wish I knew someone published who wrote like this.

Sincerely,

Me

A Message In A Bottle

Dear Steven Pressfield:

I apologize for the lack of letters as of late (and the alliteration).  I have been applying what I learned from your book.  I have a quarter of my novel done and two drafts of a short story completed for submission with an artist’s photographs to a particular publication.  While I am not one hundred percent in writing every day, I am writing every day more than not.  I continue to strive to banish procrastination.

However, I have something I need to talk about and have no one to talk to about it.  Heck, it’s not like we’re going to talk about either since this is a one side conversation, but I hope for better feelings and clarification after I place this message in a bottle.

Saturday morning, I woke for my typical potty break (it’s hell getting old).  I couldn’t tell you what happened in my brain during those few moments, whether a chemical imbalanced caused the realization or if something from a dream clung on.  By the time I returned to bed, I was in a full-blown panic attack. 

Forty-eight hours had passed since I asked for help from my husband on the next draft of my short story.  Not only had he not responded via e-mail (which is how I sent him a copy of the draft), he had not mentioned my e-mail or my story in passing as we lived together under the same roof.  As I reeled under the revelation, with my heart racing in my throat and limbs twitching with adrenaline, I figured out that my husband and best friend had not read the first seven chapters of my novel after I made the request.

My husband had read the first chapter shortly after the request some weeks ago.  He frightened me on the couch with a loud, adamant statement that I was an idiot and a good writer.  It took a while for his word to penetrate my thick skull.  My ego devoured them like a nearly-dead, starving man.  Over the next few days, I found it easier to write. 

But that night in bed, I slammed back into the dark earth of my depression with the thought that he hadn’t read the other chapters.  Several weeks had passed and he hadn’t read beyond the first chapter.  My best friend hadn’t read any.

What does it say about you as a writer when your best friend and husband don’t read your work?  I went for a walk after forty-five minutes of twitching in my bed trying not to cry.  The walk took the adrenaline out of my limbs, but it didn’t do anything to stop the hard, sharp ache in my chest.  For as long as I could, I avoided talking about it.  Eventually, my husband dragged the realization out of me.

As I predicted early in our fight, he felt guilty.  He stated that I should know how he is with things he has to read.  It was like he punched me in the chest.  As soon as he said the words, he tried to taking them back.  But no matter what the judge says, the jury cannot unheard testimony.

What does it say about you as a writer when your best friend and husband, the people who love you, don’t want to read your work? 

Despite the distractions of a family birthday part and coffee with a good friend and her daughter, I couldn’t stop the bleeding in my soul.  I contemplated giving up writing.  Every time I did, I cried uncontrollably.  I thought about killing myself because what would be the point of me.  I was a failure.  All that would be left in my life would be a shitty job I hated and a quiet home life.  All my therapeutic methods would have to be redone since I used story to calm and console myself. 

When I woke this morning, I was still raw.  I found postings in my streams and blogs I follow filled with helpful, supportive things.  Now, I face a thought of writing without an audience or any support.  Didn’t you say writers need other writers?  I have no one and have no idea how to find someone.  How can I ever hope to improve as a writer in a vacuum?

I don’t know what to do.  Any advice would be appreciated.  When you have the time.

Thanks,

Me

Brain-damaged

Dear Steven Pressfield:

I am going to have myself checked for brain damaged.  I don't know why I don't write every day.  When I do write, I feel good afterward.  I feel accomplished.  Even if everything I write is dreck, I know it will end up helping out in the end (if nothing more than to get the dreck out of my system so something good can come along).

On the days I don't write, I don't feel like this.  I went 600 words over my word count goal.  My back hurts because my chair sucks.  I write at the tiniest writing desk.  I forgot my wireless mouse in the living room, but I wrote 600+ words because - I couldn't tell you why.  The demon monkeys from the back of my brain say it's because I'm competing with other writers (and I may be too, but that isn't the whole reason like they vote). Maybe the two worst influence at my paycheck job are gone; I can stay a bit more positive at work. I would like to say it's because I wanted to feel good.

I like feeling good.  I'm going to try this again tomorrow night.

Sincerely,
Me

Add meat or cut the fat

Dear Steven Pressfield:

When creating a first draft or rough draft, is it better to be sparse or bountiful?  When editing, should I cut or add?

Yeah.  No one answers THOSE questions.

Sincerely,
Me

Fall in love

Dear Steven Pressfield:

After reading some other writers' recent blog posts about the joy of writing, I have decided I need to return to my love of writing.  I am putting the fear and worry away.  I am giving up hopes of being respected or even read.  I am focusing on simply enjoying myself.

Can I schedule falling in love?

Sincerely,
Me